One of the biggest disappointments in life is having a goal turn to ashes. Sometimes it leads to having your heart broken, especially when everything you were expecting,excitingly waited for and almost made you believe could happen will never happen anyway.
In the end, something keeps telling you "you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong" about everything that you did.
Maybe I was wrong of feeling 'connected' with the guy I met at the skate event last night.
It all started with a deck my friend borrowed for me. I borrowed it a number of times from him. He was really nice, or at least when it comes to lending his skateboard. Later on, I often had encounters with him, like meeting him somewhere at the event area with him smiling or talking to me. I ignored him, since I was busy and I don't want to add cute guy-hunting business with my coverage work. After the event, though, I already had this plan of talking to him since we'll end up at one hangout spot anyway - at Malate. Well, after all those feelings rushing and all the thoughts about him in my mind.... he left. He left without even a word that he will leave. So what is the two-sentence questions he asked? Will it even make a mark on our conversation? When we called him, he didn't even made a nudge to go back, since he has this business somewhere and I don't care about his excuses. I know I'm being super frank towards him. I thought I'll feel good about telling him everything that I feel, but actually it just worsened my guilt and gave me regrets.
Maybe it was another deceit of heart without me using my mind, or maybe every move I made was wrong after all. I didn't know him in the first place. But when there was already a chance to talk and have the get-to-know-each-other part, he just burned it by leaving and making me sit there with all the guys having foolish and idle chatters.
I don't want to hate him, but I had this conflict in my mind whether I will forget him and everything that happened or have another chance of dealing with him if another instance will come up.
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"Maybe it was another deceit of heart without me using my mind, or maybe every move I made was wrong after all."
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Maybe it wasn't exactly getting my heart broken, since there is no reason for such after five hours of seeing him. I was just disappointed, that's all. To be honest, he was my ultimate prospect that night and already has this feeling like, 'Okay I think I'm beginning to like him.' I have this feeling occasionally, but why is it that the feeling just burns up and I realize that maybe the guy wasn't after me after all. I hated to think the fact that sometimes, we can't get what we want, but I think it's actually true. Maybe my search-for-the-perfect-moment isn't over yet, because I believe that if an instance like this happens, I know that the perfect moment is still out there somewhere. Maybe I still have to enjoy life as I still want to, with this intance serving as lesson or an experience.
Then I just realized that moving on is one of the hard things to do...
Maybe this guy and the experience is just another treasure or object I pick along my journey of life. There are more roads I have to conquer, and maybe the greatest treasure is still waiting for me somewhere, lingering around the corners of the maze of life.